So....I was washing dishes in my little 1950's kitchen. I was washing dishes and thinking that wanted to text John and say. "i'll be wrong for you" and later when he texted me back "Go fuck yourself Jayne" I'd reply "call me"

I've started smoking. It's an interesting vice. If I'd started smoking at age 14 like my mother I might be thinner. My Ex boyfriend Steven would have hated me smoking. Yeah....I'll smoke one for you next time ...

I love Carol. My sweet little Carol....as much as she's shut down in some ways since she got married, she really has grown. She seems adult. So much more adult than me. I'm rediculous. She's my boss now. I call her crying some days.....halfway through a choked out plea for a quickie hang out session I realize that I feel a little unprofessional bribing my boss with cigarettes.

My mom came over this morning. She paid to have my car registered. I love my mother...she's always such a help to me. She told me a story today about how my dad pulled my arm out of its socket when I was little. ...maybe four or five. I thought the story was a little bit funny....but in the back of my mind I wonder if my dad did it out of anger. Was he angry even then? I always thought that the monster emerged when I was eight. That's when I start remembering him as an abusive parent. I guess I was tired and I didn't want to walk anymore....is that a reason to dislocate a shoulder?

I really like this little house. The light is amazing. I wish I had someone to share it with.
Maybe I should text John.

Lolita

I'm watching Lolita. What a sad story....you know, I really like that movie. It's sweet in so many ways....the way they were. She was so innocent...He was so desperate. Now, I'm not going to try and get philisophical or overly analytical but I can't help but compare myself with Humbert and my life with Lolita. He has such a power to instigate change. That's the way I am with my life. With no real vision for the future I just DO things. Things that mean change. I got this new house on a whim. True it was a good deal ....everything i want, need, and can afford...but that's only because I got lucky. I didn't have the money at the time...now I'm in debt up to my eyeballs. I didn't do it right. Humbert didn't do it right. He took something so moldable and turned her into a wasted girl. If I'm not careful my life will wind up the same way. One more thought to ponder....I'm not even so terribly fond of this life that I have. How can I really do what's right for it if I don't really love it? I have to figure this out. I'm gonna finish my depressing movie now. Talk to me.

A side note:

I often get lucky. I make so many mistakes and somehow ...no matter how bad I think they are...things turn out ok. I'm repeatedly given the gift of luck. I guess it's maybe just time. Time fixes so many things....speeding tickets....paydays....eating too much....new semesters/clean slates. It's something that I should use to my advantage. That or I should stop messing up. If I weren't always waiting for my life to right itself....I might have more fun, more time for good things, more opportunity, ...

Well, The Sh*t is currently hitting the fan and I really mean it. Right now, my biggest trouble is NOT my social phobia. It seems that when I'm in a tight spot that I can usually pull off charming if it will help me out of trouble. Right now charm is oozing from my every pore. I'm in some serious debt. I just got a new apartment (which I love...I'd just die if I lost it ) All of my bills seem to be due. I hadn't realized it but my credit card company bumped up my interest rate to 25.4%!!!!!!!!! on my $9,000 balance. I'm about do kill myself. For years I've been making payments and making extra payments whenever possible. Sometimes I get myself into some tight spots but it always works out. This time I'm not so sure. At the very least the damage is going to be some late bills. and if I'm late on my second rent payment to my new landlord? Well, that doesn't look very good, does it? On top of my MINIMUM living expenses exceeding my income by $500 (with NO ROOM FOR EXTRAS) I'm fighting with my brother. He wants to disown me as his sister because he thinks that I'm too bitchy. He's 19 and he drove home drunk the other night and then threw a shoe at me. I admit that I lost it a little. I stated to cry and then got mad at my mom for laughing at the situation. I basically drove home that night in a furry. What could I do? My life is already going to hell and then I have images of my baby brother sliding of a body refrigerator on a stainless steel morgue table. He thinks I should handle my criticisms more gently.....I say he needs to NOT DRINK AND DRIVE. Ok, I have some important phone calls to make. I'm looking for a second job and fast. Got any suggestions?????

HAHA! People are commenting! THANK YOU!

So I had a little episode yesterday. Completely embarrassing. I just started a new job for which I have training classes to take. My training days conflict with my summer school so I made arrangements to take the exam early. I got to my instructors office a little early and waited...The anticipation alone killed me and it certainly didn't help that the subject was STATISTICS. So I'm sitting there next to my (Nerd Chic) instructor in his quiet office. The silence started to get to me and I couldn't understand the numbers on the page. The thought that he was sitting right next to me and waiting for me to finish my test started to creep up on me. My skin gets clammy and it feels like I'm trying to swallow something sharp and spiny. I actually had to excuse myself from the class. He was really sweet and just smiled....I think he might have realize what was going on and was trying to not make me more nervous. I stepped out and came back and finished a few more problems before I realized I was completely passed being able to do well on the exam. JUST SHOOT ME.

You know, when I read this back it doesn't seem anywhere near as traumatic as it felt at the time. Oh well.

Other news?

I'm moving Monday and Tuesday of next week. It's gonna be awesome....I love the new place and it's super close to the U.

Me and John are still not speaking. Did I write about the calculator situation? HA! I totally won that one. Long story short--His mother still really likes me and she wishes that we would make up. I also got the feeling that his mom doesn't like the new girl AT ALL. I love his mother sooo much. Sweetest woman alive ;) She tried to get me to say that I wanted to make up but to be 100% honest...it would be to awkward to try and be friends or even friendly after all this. AND: I absolutely refuse to apologize. HE'S THE ASS. He knows that he's been parading his new little half Japanese, half white trash girlfriend around in front of me in order to make me jealous. She's pretty bitchy too! HA! It's nice to say that when she's bitchier than ME! I feel like I did a pretty good job of winning the last portion of the argument. He didn't want me to go get my calc from his mom's house and I had already called and left her a message by the time he started to tell me not to go. When she called back she was just too sweet...I jumped in the car and zipped right up there. She was too sweet:) Anyhow...i have to shower!!! I'm running late for training!!!!

So…It’s summer.

My world is small and my experience is limited. I need a project. I need goals. So I'm starting a list. This list will be comprised of PERSONAL goals. Not things like: buy bread, pay cable, get gas… But things like: Watch less TV. Watch more obscure indie movies. Eat less, walk more. Do things that mean something to me. THINK instead of WATCH.

So often I do things that are just …NOTHINGS. I need a streamlined routine that takes little to no time and that allows me time to do other things that are more worth time. An example of what I do these days….I'll just use today:

Woke up at about 9:30 am (I hate waking up that late….but really I'm not getting up early because I have anything important to do so really, why bother?)

Went to pee and put in my contacts.

Made French toast (tooooo much of it. ) with (too much) syrup. Drank some old coffee (too much) with (too much) vanilla chai spice creamer. Watched some (hilarious) Eddie Izzard clips on Youtube while I downed my ridiculously sweet coffee.

That guy with the incredibly cute apartment called and told me that I was at the top of the list! That was the high point of my day. Twenty minutes later one of my bosses called and wanted to know why I hadn't reported one of my residents having a painful yeast infection earlier. BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS HAS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! What do we do for it? DIAPER RASH CREAM! Crazy fucks! It's not my bloody fault! I'm in that house for ONE DAY A WEEK but I guess that's long enough for me to single-handedly let her chronic yeast infection get out of control….ok….so there's that crazy rant. Oh well…it's not like I'll get fired or disciplined in any shape or form because nobody EVER DOES at my job! Please, DO fire people for screwing up! It will keep the other bitches in line!!!! Make an example of the people that leave work for 4 hours and go on a mid-day fuck fest while they're still clocked in!!! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that could be considered, in a way, to be prostitution! Getting paid while you screw strange dirty married men? Yep. So I work with super high quality people. If our residents and their families only KNEW the type of people working in these homes! We always get thank you notes from the grateful families after their loved one has died….next time they leave a loving note to thank us for all of our hard work and miraculous love and attention I'll be sure to think of all the sluts that I work with. WOW! Where did that come from? Well, I didn't ever say this blog would be polite and profanity free! Anyhow, I was just watching Kill Bill Vol. 2 and I decided that I really need to make a list of my own. Not of people to kill (although I might make one just for fun!) but a serious list of important personal goals to cross off as they are completed. The first thing on my list. GET ANOTHER JOB. Ok so I'm gonna make a little phone call.

Not proud of myself. I'm letting myself slip back into my jealous insanity. The crazy nasty jealous like i used to be when Steven was around. The kind that drove him away faster than anything else could. I'm really struggling. I don't know what to do....the things that i can't change is the way I'm feeling/thinking/acting. This is really hard. I try and talk to him...he's supposed to be my best friend...and he's not hearing me. I feel like all the things that I'm saying to try and get him to understand are just making me sound even crazier. I just want him to care that I'm having a hard time. His solution is spending time apart. That's exactly what I don't need. I want him to seek me out. To come after me and tell me that he misses me. And that's another thing. I know I haven't been that much fun lately...i haven't needed anything else. I've been so busy and stressed that I haven't needed much outside of a comforting dinner and something mildly entertaining on TV. I know that's boring....I know that every time he asks me to do something fun i turn him down. I just wanna hang out at home and chit chat. But now that he's got that girl around....he does fun stuff with her and wont even shower for me. I feel loved. Why can't I just get the fuck over this. I don't even really know what's going on. I'm having all these crazy feelings. The day we had that really big fight I didn't eat anything but a granola bar and then I came home and downed a bottle and a half of wine and some sleeping pills. Then, genius that i am, I decided to go over to John's house and make a fool of myself. Funny thing. ...I kinda knew that that would be the only way to get what i needed from him. CONCERN. I made him run me a bath and he waited while I sat in it. He brought me a glass of water that i dropped into the water. He fell asleep next to me on the bed...in the absolutely most platonic way possible. Now....if i could only manage that kind of concern when I'm not in absolute dire need of it. I just need a little time and concern when I start crying and tell him that I'm upset! Is that too much to ask????? I guess so. This is exactly how it started the last time. It was a complete disaster. I started going crazy and I didn't eat for about a month. I literally lost 40lbs. in one about a month and a half. It was terrible. I couldn't get out of it. I don't know if this is chemically related or if this is just due to the double stress of John's new girlfriend and the beginning of summer. Summer usually just kills me. I have the hardest time keeping busy. I HATE summer. I get so lonely and idle. Ok.....so I think I know what i can do. I'm going to make a list of things to do for the next week. An absolute scheduled week where I'll be constantly busy. Ok. That's what I'm gonna do. And starting at 8am tomorrow...I'm executing the list.

Friends no more

Wow. I haven't been here in such along while....I've kinda failed the blog. Things have really started to turn around. I can honestly say that those pills are helping. I should have been documenting this along the way but life is crazy. I guess it's a testament to just how much it's been working. I haven't been so stressed about it. I've had one or two small panicked moments but nothing like before. I didn't realize it but I was having mini panick attacks all the time! I know that now because I haven't been having any more. I'm not so paranoid either. I don't walk around school with the constant fear of what people are thinking!!!! THAT alone is WORTH IT. I think it might even get a little better too because I haven't really been on the meds for that long. Impressive. Well, I have to be honest....I'm not here to even really write about that. Me and John just had a huge fight. I called him and he just had this tone....we were supposed to hang out today...and just hang out I was thinking a movie or something...but of course he made plans with Celeste and then kinda invited me to go along. That wasn't what I had in mind. He knew that. Then he gets mad at me for questioning it.....and all in that tone....that I'm-getting-really-tired-of-you-Jayne Tone. I hate that....I started to cry and when I realized he wasn't going to ever understand why I feel hurt that he keeps making plans with her OVER our plans....I just hung up. I gave backmy key to his apartment and his little Valentine. The handmade one that said how thankful he was for being there in the hospital when he nearly died....said how much he loved spending time with me. Oh well. I guess I'm just an annoying ex now. Seriously ...I haven't felt this put down, offened, hurt, worthless in quite a while....at least not because of something someone did to me personally. I think i'm just gonna take a little nap. :/ Thanks for reading...Anybody that Cares.