Plain Jayne

2008-07-18T18:59:00.000-07:00

So....I was washing dishes in my little 1950's kitchen. I was washing dishes and thinking that wanted to text John and say. "i'll be wrong for you" and later when he texted me back "Go fuck yourself Jayne" I'd reply "call me"

I've started smoking. It's an interesting vice. If I'd started smoking at age 14 like my mother I might be thinner. My Ex boyfriend Steven would have hated me smoking. Yeah....I'll smoke one for you next time ...

I love Carol. My sweet little Carol....as much as she's shut down in some ways since she got married, she really has grown. She seems adult. So much more adult than me. I'm rediculous. She's my boss now. I call her crying some days.....halfway through a choked out plea for a quickie hang out session I realize that I feel a little unprofessional bribing my boss with cigarettes.

My mom came over this morning. She paid to have my car registered. I love my mother...she's always such a help to me. She told me a story today about how my dad pulled my arm out of its socket when I was little. ...maybe four or five. I thought the story was a little bit funny....but in the back of my mind I wonder if my dad did it out of anger. Was he angry even then? I always thought that the monster emerged when I was eight. That's when I start remembering him as an abusive parent. I guess I was tired and I didn't want to walk anymore....is that a reason to dislocate a shoulder?

I really like this little house. The light is amazing. I wish I had someone to share it with.
Maybe I should text John.

Lolita

2008-07-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

I'm watching Lolita. What a sad story....you know, I really like that movie. It's sweet in so many ways....the way they were. She was so innocent...He was so desperate. Now, I'm not going to try and get philisophical or overly analytical but I can't help but compare myself with Humbert and my life with Lolita. He has such a power to instigate change. That's the way I am with my life. With no real vision for the future I just DO things. Things that mean change. I got this new house on a whim. True it was a good deal ....everything i want, need, and can afford...but that's only because I got lucky. I didn't have the money at the time...now I'm in debt up to my eyeballs. I didn't do it right. Humbert didn't do it right. He took something so moldable and turned her into a wasted girl. If I'm not careful my life will wind up the same way. One more thought to ponder....I'm not even so terribly fond of this life that I have. How can I really do what's right for it if I don't really love it? I have to figure this out. I'm gonna finish my depressing movie now. Talk to me.

A side note:

I often get lucky. I make so many mistakes and somehow ...no matter how bad I think they are...things turn out ok. I'm repeatedly given the gift of luck. I guess it's maybe just time. Time fixes so many things....speeding tickets....paydays....eating too much....new semesters/clean slates. It's something that I should use to my advantage. That or I should stop messing up. If I weren't always waiting for my life to right itself....I might have more fun, more time for good things, more opportunity, ...

2008-07-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

Well, The Sh*t is currently hitting the fan and I really mean it. Right now, my biggest trouble is NOT my social phobia. It seems that when I'm in a tight spot that I can usually pull off charming if it will help me out of trouble. Right now charm is oozing from my every pore. I'm in some serious debt. I just got a new apartment (which I love...I'd just die if I lost it ) All of my bills seem to be due. I hadn't realized it but my credit card company bumped up my interest rate to 25.4%!!!!!!!!! on my $9,000 balance. I'm about do kill myself. For years I've been making payments and making extra payments whenever possible. Sometimes I get myself into some tight spots but it always works out. This time I'm not so sure. At the very least the damage is going to be some late bills. and if I'm late on my second rent payment to my new landlord? Well, that doesn't look very good, does it? On top of my MINIMUM living expenses exceeding my income by $500 (with NO ROOM FOR EXTRAS) I'm fighting with my brother. He wants to disown me as his sister because he thinks that I'm too bitchy. He's 19 and he drove home drunk the other night and then threw a shoe at me. I admit that I lost it a little. I stated to cry and then got mad at my mom for laughing at the situation. I basically drove home that night in a furry. What could I do? My life is already going to hell and then I have images of my baby brother sliding of a body refrigerator on a stainless steel morgue table. He thinks I should handle my criticisms more gently.....I say he needs to NOT DRINK AND DRIVE. Ok, I have some important phone calls to make. I'm looking for a second job and fast. Got any suggestions?????

2008-06-24T08:01:00.000-07:00

HAHA! People are commenting! THANK YOU!

So I had a little episode yesterday. Completely embarrassing. I just started a new job for which I have training classes to take. My training days conflict with my summer school so I made arrangements to take the exam early. I got to my instructors office a little early and waited...The anticipation alone killed me and it certainly didn't help that the subject was STATISTICS. So I'm sitting there next to my (Nerd Chic) instructor in his quiet office. The silence started to get to me and I couldn't understand the numbers on the page. The thought that he was sitting right next to me and waiting for me to finish my test started to creep up on me. My skin gets clammy and it feels like I'm trying to swallow something sharp and spiny. I actually had to excuse myself from the class. He was really sweet and just smiled....I think he might have realize what was going on and was trying to not make me more nervous. I stepped out and came back and finished a few more problems before I realized I was completely passed being able to do well on the exam. JUST SHOOT ME.

You know, when I read this back it doesn't seem anywhere near as traumatic as it felt at the time. Oh well.

Other news?

I'm moving Monday and Tuesday of next week. It's gonna be awesome....I love the new place and it's super close to the U.

Me and John are still not speaking. Did I write about the calculator situation? HA! I totally won that one. Long story short--His mother still really likes me and she wishes that we would make up. I also got the feeling that his mom doesn't like the new girl AT ALL. I love his mother sooo much. Sweetest woman alive ;) She tried to get me to say that I wanted to make up but to be 100% honest...it would be to awkward to try and be friends or even friendly after all this. AND: I absolutely refuse to apologize. HE'S THE ASS. He knows that he's been parading his new little half Japanese, half white trash girlfriend around in front of me in order to make me jealous. She's pretty bitchy too! HA! It's nice to say that when she's bitchier than ME! I feel like I did a pretty good job of winning the last portion of the argument. He didn't want me to go get my calc from his mom's house and I had already called and left her a message by the time he started to tell me not to go. When she called back she was just too sweet...I jumped in the car and zipped right up there. She was too sweet:) Anyhow...i have to shower!!! I'm running late for training!!!!

So…It’s summer.

2008-05-29T17:31:00.001-07:00

My world is small and my experience is limited. I need a project. I need goals. So I'm starting a list. This list will be comprised of PERSONAL goals. Not things like: buy bread, pay cable, get gas… But things like: Watch less TV. Watch more obscure indie movies. Eat less, walk more. Do things that mean something to me. THINK instead of WATCH.

So often I do things that are just …NOTHINGS. I need a streamlined routine that takes little to no time and that allows me time to do other things that are more worth time. An example of what I do these days….I'll just use today:

Woke up at about 9:30 am (I hate waking up that late….but really I'm not getting up early because I have anything important to do so really, why bother?)

Went to pee and put in my contacts.

Made French toast (tooooo much of it. ) with (too much) syrup. Drank some old coffee (too much) with (too much) vanilla chai spice creamer. Watched some (hilarious) Eddie Izzard clips on Youtube while I downed my ridiculously sweet coffee.

That guy with the incredibly cute apartment called and told me that I was at the top of the list! That was the high point of my day. Twenty minutes later one of my bosses called and wanted to know why I hadn't reported one of my residents having a painful yeast infection earlier. BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS HAS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! What do we do for it? DIAPER RASH CREAM! Crazy fucks! It's not my bloody fault! I'm in that house for ONE DAY A WEEK but I guess that's long enough for me to single-handedly let her chronic yeast infection get out of control….ok….so there's that crazy rant. Oh well…it's not like I'll get fired or disciplined in any shape or form because nobody EVER DOES at my job! Please, DO fire people for screwing up! It will keep the other bitches in line!!!! Make an example of the people that leave work for 4 hours and go on a mid-day fuck fest while they're still clocked in!!! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that could be considered, in a way, to be prostitution! Getting paid while you screw strange dirty married men? Yep. So I work with super high quality people. If our residents and their families only KNEW the type of people working in these homes! We always get thank you notes from the grateful families after their loved one has died….next time they leave a loving note to thank us for all of our hard work and miraculous love and attention I'll be sure to think of all the sluts that I work with. WOW! Where did that come from? Well, I didn't ever say this blog would be polite and profanity free! Anyhow, I was just watching Kill Bill Vol. 2 and I decided that I really need to make a list of my own. Not of people to kill (although I might make one just for fun!) but a serious list of important personal goals to cross off as they are completed. The first thing on my list. GET ANOTHER JOB. Ok so I'm gonna make a little phone call.

2008-05-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

Not proud of myself. I'm letting myself slip back into my jealous insanity. The crazy nasty jealous like i used to be when Steven was around. The kind that drove him away faster than anything else could. I'm really struggling. I don't know what to do....the things that i can't change is the way I'm feeling/thinking/acting. This is really hard. I try and talk to him...he's supposed to be my best friend...and he's not hearing me. I feel like all the things that I'm saying to try and get him to understand are just making me sound even crazier. I just want him to care that I'm having a hard time. His solution is spending time apart. That's exactly what I don't need. I want him to seek me out. To come after me and tell me that he misses me. And that's another thing. I know I haven't been that much fun lately...i haven't needed anything else. I've been so busy and stressed that I haven't needed much outside of a comforting dinner and something mildly entertaining on TV. I know that's boring....I know that every time he asks me to do something fun i turn him down. I just wanna hang out at home and chit chat. But now that he's got that girl around....he does fun stuff with her and wont even shower for me. I feel loved. Why can't I just get the fuck over this. I don't even really know what's going on. I'm having all these crazy feelings. The day we had that really big fight I didn't eat anything but a granola bar and then I came home and downed a bottle and a half of wine and some sleeping pills. Then, genius that i am, I decided to go over to John's house and make a fool of myself. Funny thing. ...I kinda knew that that would be the only way to get what i needed from him. CONCERN. I made him run me a bath and he waited while I sat in it. He brought me a glass of water that i dropped into the water. He fell asleep next to me on the bed...in the absolutely most platonic way possible. Now....if i could only manage that kind of concern when I'm not in absolute dire need of it. I just need a little time and concern when I start crying and tell him that I'm upset! Is that too much to ask????? I guess so. This is exactly how it started the last time. It was a complete disaster. I started going crazy and I didn't eat for about a month. I literally lost 40lbs. in one about a month and a half. It was terrible. I couldn't get out of it. I don't know if this is chemically related or if this is just due to the double stress of John's new girlfriend and the beginning of summer. Summer usually just kills me. I have the hardest time keeping busy. I HATE summer. I get so lonely and idle. Ok.....so I think I know what i can do. I'm going to make a list of things to do for the next week. An absolute scheduled week where I'll be constantly busy. Ok. That's what I'm gonna do. And starting at 8am tomorrow...I'm executing the list.

Friends no more

2008-05-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

Wow. I haven't been here in such along while....I've kinda failed the blog. Things have really started to turn around. I can honestly say that those pills are helping. I should have been documenting this along the way but life is crazy. I guess it's a testament to just how much it's been working. I haven't been so stressed about it. I've had one or two small panicked moments but nothing like before. I didn't realize it but I was having mini panick attacks all the time! I know that now because I haven't been having any more. I'm not so paranoid either. I don't walk around school with the constant fear of what people are thinking!!!! THAT alone is WORTH IT. I think it might even get a little better too because I haven't really been on the meds for that long. Impressive. Well, I have to be honest....I'm not here to even really write about that. Me and John just had a huge fight. I called him and he just had this tone....we were supposed to hang out today...and just hang out I was thinking a movie or something...but of course he made plans with Celeste and then kinda invited me to go along. That wasn't what I had in mind. He knew that. Then he gets mad at me for questioning it.....and all in that tone....that I'm-getting-really-tired-of-you-Jayne Tone. I hate that....I started to cry and when I realized he wasn't going to ever understand why I feel hurt that he keeps making plans with her OVER our plans....I just hung up. I gave backmy key to his apartment and his little Valentine. The handmade one that said how thankful he was for being there in the hospital when he nearly died....said how much he loved spending time with me. Oh well. I guess I'm just an annoying ex now. Seriously ...I haven't felt this put down, offened, hurt, worthless in quite a while....at least not because of something someone did to me personally. I think i'm just gonna take a little nap. :/ Thanks for reading...Anybody that Cares.

2008-04-15T11:24:00.000-07:00

Charlotte Perkins Gilman. I was reading her book Women and Economics for my Sources of Social Theory class. WOW. What made her write this book? what did she experience to make that come about? How often do you read a non fiction book and just WOW. She started out making me a little agry and then totally took my breath away. Women's inferior social and economic positions were completely instrumental (according to Gilman) in the progress of the human society. She says that we would not have got to the point we're at if it weren't for the way that women feminize men and influence them to go out and provide rather than destroy, kill, and just generally be savages. Women sobordinated themselves for the sake of the human race and now....Now is time to reform that man/woman/superior/inferior/dependent/independent relationship for the sake of humanity and progress! HA! It seems to me that if this book were read by more women of that time that either they were tooooo ingrained in that culture to believe or agree with it...or that it was just generally ignored? Ok so today, most American families are dual-income. Women in the workplace seemingly independent, educated, getting further along than we were 50 years ago absolutely....but what about the children? What have we decided to do with them? We need them or the human race dies out....bu have we really decided what to do with them? The masses aren't investing in their children with time and one on one contact. Who raises the children? A little of both parents (or extended or alternative families)? WHO?

bet you didn't think this blog would go into this...but it's what's on my mind so...talk to me.

2008-04-08T15:55:00.000-07:00

So this is getting hard. I think that I'm definitely having some negative side effects. Yesterday and today I started out doing fantastic. Yesterday I called my mom to tell her about the bird and she commented that I sounded really happy. I love my mom. After that the rest of my day was useless. I went downhill so fast it was crazy. The rest of the day was a complete waste. Today, almost the same thing happened. I woke up rested and washed my face. I made coffee and breakfast and went about my usual routine.....lately it's been getting harder and harder to leave the house. I HATE walking around campus. I couldn't decide what to wear that didn't make me look super fat, super old, or super frumpy. It didn't help that I don't have any clean laundry. (Pathetic i know...) My face has been breaking out ...i can't keep from picking at it. I know exactly where my acne comes from....PICKING. I obsessively touch my face and pick at non-existent spots until they become a full on break out. I just got home from John's house. I skipped the last class of the day. I HATE myself because of that. I couldn't make my self go. Why??? I went to John's because I was having a little panick attack ....we watched the ending of an incredibly depressing Japanese movie where this little girl dies of starvation during the war....

I need help. I collapsed into pathetic tears....I think that what I am experienceing is bi-polar disorder. Extreme highs and lows...no mediums. Wouldn't it be nice to just kindof exist and smile often and not cry often and just BE. On one flat plane of just mellow? Is that what it's like to be normal??? God...i'm just reading over what I wrote. I'm a complete incomprehensible lunatic.

2008-04-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

I want someone to read this blog. Someone to comment on my lack of perfect spelling and the fact that sometimes I capitalize the wrong things....

2008-04-07T11:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back. I went to the pet store and the hardware store ....bought birdfood and a dowell for the cage. I did not do my laundry.

I just realized that lately i've been reading stupid women's books. Books that I would never admit to reading to anyone but myself and John. Not exactly Romance Novels but something akin to them. Awful. This realization lead me to think about how often I do things in order to escape my life. I can't even put on my makeup in the morning without finding an episode of something online to watch. I spend most of my morning...every morning, watching tv online. I can't go to sleep at night unless i've adequately drowned out the memories of my own day and life by reading some silly women's book. Why do i do this? --->Because I have no REAL LIFE. If I went through a single day without watching TV or Listening to the Radio or reading stupid books or reading the stupid school paper....what would i do with my brain? I don't think. I observe everything that isn't ME that's going on. I suspect that this isnt really an uncommon problem though. I think that it must be more common today than any other time in human history. I know that you don't doubt this either so i won't waste time justifying it. PHONE, COMPUTER, TV, RADIO, PODCASTS, BOOKS, MAGAZINES, NEWSPAPERS....There's so much information around us ....and is any of it really about US. How do we know who we are if all we do is flood our minds with stuff about OTHER PEOPLE. American's especially have such a preoccupation with celebrities.....Jay-Z (or whatever...) and Beyonce just got married....We care more about that than we do our own families getting married. I don't consider myself to be obsessed with celebrity goings-on but I have to admit that i know more about stupid Beyonce's wedding than my cousin that got married last weekend. How did this happen? Are celebrities closer to us than our own families???

2008-04-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

I adopted a bird yesterday....I looked online and its called a House Finch. He's orangeish on his head and chest/neck. Very pretty. I named him Stewie. He's so sweet and he chirps at me if i talk to him. He has a broken wing and i told myself that i wouldn't name him until he lived a week but I was watching good morning america or something and there was a dog named stewie...I think that's too cute. He's fluttering around in his little cage. As soon as i find my camera charger i'll put a pic up.....hes gorgeous. Despite the wing i think hes really healthy....very active and talkative. He ate as soon as i gave him sunflower seeds. I guess they eat egg...like cooked egg. Seems strange right? But i guess we eat other baby animals....veal...It's not too weird....oh and egg (hehehe) I'll try and feed him some later. i wonder if he'd eat strawberries. Cutie little Stewie. Last bird i rescued died...it was a baby and i couldnt feed it often enough. Stewie is different. He's an adult so i dont have to nurse him. He's trying to get out of the cage right now. Poor baby. I have to tell myself i'm not being evil by keeping him in a cage. He would probably be dead if i hadn't found him. It was easy for me to catch him so i can only imagine what it would be like for a snake or bobcat. If he gets better I'll let him go but if that wing never heals then I'll just keep him. He's too pretty to let him just get eaten. He's just draging that wing around. Luckily he can hop really well. He's hopping all over the place. Ok. So I guess I'm supposed to be writing about my New Anxiety Med. I think It's gonna be a really long time before I have anything to write about.

Here I am...with a day off and I'm sitting in my apartment blogging about a bird. WOW. I really am anit-social. I have TONS of Homework. laundry....dear god. I think I'll got to a laundromat...If I go to Mom's i'll just watch Tv all day. I guess I have some Cash. I'll be back later with bird seed and clean laundry. ;)

2008-04-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems that at least one person has been on this blog other than myself and looked at it for a moment or two....If you read this and it ispires some thought.....ANY THOUGHT! then please comment....I'd love to hear from ANYONE.
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Ok ...Today was Day One of the pill experiment. I had a little bit of a freak out after i couldn't find a parking spot. Seems stupid and insignificant? I kept saying "...omygodomygodomygod..." I decided to skip my last class YET AGAIN. They probably think I've disappeared. I have NO IDEA what were doing in that class and I have a feeling that It's gonna hurt me coming up here soon. I MUST GO TO CRIMINOLOGY ON THURSDAY. But he is SOOOO boring. Cute...but BORING. He looks awesome in a suit but not in the way that will compel me to stare and look interested in the lecture. It's almost painful to listen to him. I'm hypersensitive to embarrassment of all kinds. My own, my family's, my friends', and my awkward (but cute) criminology professor's. But what can i do? I HATE THAT CLASS.

So back to my little freak out. I called John and he told me that i was just being a hypochondriac....nothing unusual. (I once went to the Dr. for a blister on my foot because I thought that it might be symptomatic of some other serious condition....like curvature of my spine or, one leg shorter than the other or some rare foot ailment.) I tried to calm down......went to Taco Bell for the first time in MONTHS AND MONTHS i swear. I was just so anxious over nothing. It can't be the pill yet....apparently it takes anywhere from 3-8 WEEKS to start working. I agree with John in that i was just imagining things. I'd better finish this homework. Wow....my blog is SOOOO boring. If i put more REAL thought into it then it could be truly amazing and interesting...but to be honest, I hardly ever even spell-check it. I'm usually only writing when i have homework that i should be doing.....Ok I'm going to get it finished and THEN come back and write more ;) really....

2008-03-31T18:18:00.000-07:00

So I'm wasting the day away. Today: I got up. Went to class. Came home. Played with the cats. Got groceries. Went to the Dr. Went to Mom's. Made food. Ate food. Dropped off the prescription. Played with the cats. Picked up the the presciption. Read the directions. Checked my email. Pretended to read for my homework. Played with the cats. Altogether I'd say that I'm happy. I'm ok. So the big experiment starts tomorrow.

At the Dr.- Well, I can't say that I blame her for wanting to get things taken care of quickly....but i still wanted to talk about the situation a little more. She seemed rushed so I just figured i'd take the prescription and go.

At the Pharmacist- I went to the little 'private' window and asked the Pharmacist if i could take it with ibuprophen and he said no prob. So i left.

At home- I read the papers that came with the pills. Apparently i should be on full suicide watch. There were at LEAST a hundred warnings about increased suicidal tendencies. So here's a question--> If i'm anti-social ....so there arent many people around and i'm taking the pills and i start to get suicidal ...who will notice? If it starts to happen to me really bad then how do i know that i'll really notice it? Manic episodes? Yeah so....that's like suuuuper energetic and happy. That was another warning. So....I'd better keep a good eye on MYSELF then. Nobody else is even reading my stupid blog so it's not like anyone here would notice if i changed my color scheme to red and black and started to talk about how i'd kill myself. ....

Well that all seems pretty bleak....But you know something??? I'm actually pretty excited. In about six weeks I'll either

a.) start feeling better

b.) start feeling nothing or

c.) start wanting to kill myself.

HERE WE GO.

2008-03-30T23:58:00.001-07:00

Where is my mind? <----song i'm listening to right now. I've had just one shot of rum and I'm feeling really great. ...awesome even. John is awsome. Why do i deserve such a great friend? Seriously if he werent around i would be at the absolute bottom of my depression well. That's what i call it when i get so depressed that i feel like it would be impossible to climb out. That happens to me once in a while. One psychiatrist told me that she thought that i had Seasonal Affective disorder....told me light treatments woult help me. I live in Tucson. It's sunny all the time.

I took that shot of rum to help me sleep but i think I'll be up all night. In this mindset i wouldnt mind it. I feel great. Manic even. If i could feel like this around people ....my life would be amazing. NOTHING WOULD STOP ME. ....i'm completely strange right now....
SOMEBODY REPLY TO THIS. AM I ALONE???? really ...just say anything. i dont think a single person has read any of this.

2008-03-29T20:43:00.001-07:00

I went to the advisor yesterday and found out that I can graduate next December. Wow. That came sooo fast. Now what? I have so many things to do before then. Things that I've been putting off in true Jayne fashion. I have to take a resume prep workshop, set up a few internships, get a suit, practice interviewing, career fairs, research, and ON AND ON. It's demanding. It's scary. I'm nervous. I really would like to loose a little weight before I graduate. I'll be 25 in October. I want to be well on my way to ME by the time I graduate. I'm already really behind. My quarterlife crisis is happening at a bad time... Who am I? I have homework for now. That appointment is on Monday. That's STEP ONE. Step One to becoming Jayne is get help for my social anxiety. You know, just anticipating getting help is helping melt the ice. Yesterday I really went in there and TALKED. I opened up and let myself seem happy in the presence of someone else. Acting happy made me happy. Yesterday was a crazy day we ran around all day long and by the end of it i didn't want to hide out. I didn't need to retreat. It was good.

2008-03-26T21:48:00.000-07:00

My friend John is coming over and bringing some rum and coke. Last time we got drunk together he ended up nearly killing himself the next day....terrible motorcycle accident. We just spend the last couple months getting him back to normal. He's my best buddy. He lives down the call from me in an appartment that's a mirror image of my crap appartment. I'm the one that talked him into it.

I blabbed about my past at work today. In hindsight it was a really bad idea. Carmen claims to like me and be one of my friends but i've caught her making faces behind my back. She likes to talk shit about other employees and I can't assume that I would be any different. She refers to herself as "This Puerto Rican Bitch" sometimes. She's short round and has a nasty temper. She talks in the same tone no matter what she's saying. LOUD. I like her even if she talks shit. That's just her. ...I'm on some crazy tangents i'll try and get back to the issue:

Most days i retreat home as fast as i can. I drop my giant bag and turn on the lights, the TV and the computer. I need some alone time and also a distraction. I get something to eat and I watch something online (i dont have cable so i just watch tv on the network websites :( ) I try and dredge up the energy to take a shower and by that time the sun has gone down and i'm instantly tired. Even if i wanted to go out at this point i'm usually too tired to manage it. Depressing. Sometimes my mom comes over. When she does i get that giddy feeling in my chest and i rush to clean up the apartment and make some fresh coffee. Social contact with people that i actually like happens rarely. I am a social person....i'm just also socially disfunctional. It makes me sad to be alone for too long. Spring break was awful. I hate hollidays that last longer than a couple days. I usually pick up extra hours at work because i'm too reluctant to commit time or money to a weekend away let alone the energy it would take to manage a social weekend or more. John invited me to go to LA with him over the break. I had the time and the money but i said no anyhow. So i stayed home and got really depressed. Time alone could be productive. Catch up on reading. Clean the house. Make money. Relearn how to draw.

More later...

2008-03-26T10:18:00.001-07:00

So I made an Appointment with my Dr. about my social anxiety....I watched this thing on youtube and I feel like there's got to be something to it. Years ago i went to a psychiatrist for some depression meds and she mentioned that it might not really be depression at all but social anxiety. I dismissed it. Then i watched that thing on youtube and one thing they said really hit home. MISSED OPPORTUNITY. I'm scared ALL THE TIME. I don't hang out with my friends friends...and when i do i come off as bitchy and stuck up. I'm doing this really fast before i have to leave for work but I feel like this is what I want to write about.

Diary of a 24 y/o social-phobe.

My appointment is on Monday. I need to think of some questions to ask.

This is really important to me. At this point i guess 24 really isn't that old but if i make it to 25 and I'm not at least on the way to fixing myself then i will really consider it yet another lost opportunity. It will be my senior year of college and i really really need to start getting prepared for a REAL JOB. Dress up to interview, bring a resume, have a degree....be as socially

UN AWKWARD as possible. Here goes nothing.

2008-03-24T11:51:00.000-07:00

So...Blogging huh? I've never done anything like this. Someone suggested to me recently that i get a hobby and so somehow I winded up here. So blogging isn't really like a diary I guess but maybe if i find a hobby i can write about it here. I watch that show quarterlife. I really like it. I don't feel quite so bad or inadequate compared to them. The only thing that I think i'm really missing is friends.
I feel like somewhere inside I might be really interesting. But I'm scared to really find out, to really live my life, because there's no guarantee that I'll be likable, interesting, lovable. What if I loose that weight that's been plaguing me since high school? What if i do and I'm still not as pretty or attractive as I want to be. What if i put in the effort and realize that it was a waste of time? Stupid excuses. I know. I'm making it all sound a little deeper than it really is. Truth is? I'm just lazy and boring. SOMEBODY HELP. I need group therapy for chubby, 24 yo, slackers, that haven't managed to finish their BA despite full time college since they were 19. (who does that????...oh ME.) I dont know what i'm writing this for....What are you writing about? maybe i'll take a look around and then write...